Stats

When not focusing on the important and shocking fact that it's snowing outside, the news has recently been harping on about someone failing to blow up a plane. Hysteria has resulted and people are actually cancelling flights over this - despite it being 20 times more likely you'll be struck by lightning, than be a victim of a terrorist plane-bombing (per flight).

Another comparison drawn by that link (go on, click, there's a really pretty picture) is that there's one attack per 11.5 billion miles - which is the same distance as two round trips to Neptune. Which pretty much rules out any hope of gaining public confidence up for interstellar space travel. If you didn't like that joke, you'll hate this one:

"The odds of being on a plane with a bomb on it are 1/10,000,000. The odds of being on a plane with two bombs on it are 1/1,000,000,000. So I always take a bomb on a plane with me"

Accountants Can't Count

Every day, on my way into work, I see a giant poster on the tube wall advertising the Institute of Charted Accountants, which reads thus:

"Over 84% of FTSE 100 companies have an ACA on their board."

- also available on their site. Now, whilst this may well be true, it seems an odd way to phrase things. There are, by definition, one hundred FTSE100 companies. As such, it surely shouldn't be too hard to come out with an exact percentage.

I was tempted to believe that maybe this was just some clever marketer trying to make it seem like there were possible many more than just 85 FTSE100 companies with an ACA on their board. But, frankly, having seen the rest of the advert (a picture of a fairly shoddy leather chair), I don't really believe they hired a marketing consultant. I'm more inclined to believe it's just a rounding error..

Möbius Bagel

On Monday some new people moved into my office, to welcome them I went downstairs for 10 minutes, had a bit of a chat and ate some of their 'welcome' bagels. Because I'm a nice guy. However, being a nice guy will only get you so far, a real pro would have sliced and then linked the bagels to form a möbius strip.

Like this.

Even better is that this is actually practical - the increased surface area means you can fit more cream cheese onto the bagel. What a hero.

Holiday Planning

Some people book holidays well over a year in advance, and have every little detail of the holiday and every minute of their itinerary accounted for long before they set off. Those guys are no fun. Here's how I do it:

1. Find a destination
Contrary to what bad American movies tell you, turning up to an airport and trying to board the next available flight is not a good idea. Quite apart from the cost and the fact that most of the flights going anywhere nice are full, there's the sheer danger of turning up at an airport full of edgy, armed police with no plausible explanation as to what you're doing.

My particular preference at this point is to find a hotel/hostel/b&b booking site - I like Lateroom - and abuse its search engine. Lateroom, for example, insists you search for a destination, but happily throws back nearly all of its database if you plug 'hotel' into its search engine. Other sites even allow wildcards, so a simple search for '*' gets the lot.

From here, set a comfort/adventure threshold. I find randomly taking 10 places, and forcing myself to pick the best of these 10 and go there, works best for me. You may wish for the thrill of taking whatever's at the top of page 6 regardless, or the cowardly safety of giving yourself an entire three pages to pick from. One important rule here, no more than a few minutes' research on any given place is allowed.

2. Buy a phrasebook. Study it.
You'll thank me for this as we progress down the list..

3. Turn up and make friends
Seriously, you may be tempted to get guidebooks, or to search around the Internet trying to find out where the biggest museums and most tourist-friendly sights are before you leave. This is boring. If you want to know what's exciting in a new place, go and find some local people and ask them. If they don't speak English, good, you can try out your new vocab. If they do speak English, try their language first anyway; if they start responding in English then speak Welsh at them until they believe you don't know any English.

4. Explore
Walk down alleyways. Stop and see what's happening whenever large groups of people are heading in one direction; or standing around waiting; or gathered around some attraction. When on public transport, don't be afraid to get off before your stop, or continue past it, if things look like being interesting. When driving, allow yourself to get lost and see what happens.

5. Act blindly
In a restaurant? Pick something you can't pronounce or translate. See a door with no sign on it? Go through it and find out what's on the other side. A lack of understanding regarding the local culture or language is something to be treasured, there are so many things this will allow you to do that you might otherwise have avoided or been too scared to try.

Enjoy. Let me know about your adventures.
Xx

Merry Hoffmas

At some point in the distant past (presumably whilst drunk) I clearly found Facebook, Twitter et al. a touch bromidic and went hunting for alternatives. A wild night (again, I presume...I really have no recollection of signing up for and using this, but definitely did) later I was a fully fledged member of Hoffspace.

Hoffspace is a bit like Myspace, or Facebook, or other similar social networking sites, but with much more of a focus on David Hasselhoff. This is a refreshing alternative to the aimless, meandering approach of traditional social networking sites, and also leads to a much more vibrant and open community, open to meeting strangers and making new friends to undertake Hoff-related activities with.

I was only reminded of this by a couple of Christmas emails from HoffSpace (clearly David's just found out he has a mailing list, I've been on this site years and never got a mail before). In the festive spirit, I thought I'd share the benefits I'm reaping from my exclusive HoffSpace membership with you, enjoy!

1. 10% Off at the HoffShop
I think I know where I'm getting all my Christmas presents from this year. The HoffShop has "everything from HoffBags to t-shirts". I think they could do with a marketing department to write better slogans though. Just enter 'hoffshop09' to get your discount.

2. A picture of The Hoff with your own personalised message in His handwriting!
Frankly I can't say it any better than The Hoff did in his mail so:

"Tis the season to be jolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Deck the halls with
Pics of Hoffy,
Fa la la la la, la la la la."

Why not send your loved one a nice picture of me, you choose the name and write the message (nothing too naughty!) and it will appear in an exact replica of my handwriting and autograph on a unique personalised photo print. Check it out here.

On Italy

I learned two key lessons on a recent holiday with Julie-oh to Bologna and Ravenna:

1. The fact that I'm on holiday, in the sunshine, has no bearing whatsoever on the temperature of the sea in mid-October.

2. Italians really do just sit around drinking espressos and wine all day.

I particularly liked the concept of 'cocktail buffets' that pervaded most of the cafes and bars we visited: buy a single cocktail and help yourself to the range of oft-replenished, gorgeous little savoury & sweet delights placed around. Then, get another cocktail, rinse, wash and repeat.

Although the aforementioned sun was a treat in October, I did manage to acquire a slight sunburn, about which I was inexplicably embarassed and self-conscious on my return to rainy London (I mean, really, sunburn in October? How pretentious). The looks we got from Italians as we walked down the beach were priceless (the sandals I inadvertently left there, unfortunately not).

Finally, pro-tip: plenty of food in Bologna is labelled as "..alla Bolognese" and none of it is remotely like the Bolognese sauce we get over here. In fact, most of it is *way* better :)