Thompson Turkey

This is the best recipe in the world:

Thompson's Black Turkey

Not because it produces the nicest food (it may) but simply for how hilarious the ingredient list is, and how detailed the process; which includes full instructions on when and where to drink, during the preparation of this turkey.

"About this time I generally have my first drink of the day"
"About now it seems advisable to switch drinks. Martinis or stingers are recommended.."

..and so on.

This isn't just an excuse to get drunk though. The whole thing tries to put any prospective chef off with its immense list of ingredients - but when I have 15 friends around for dinner and a lot of spare cash, I'll be trying this.

Final note: Like the author of that webpage, I found this recipe originally in The Time Traveler's Wife. Great book, but I think the film could really be awful.

Toothpaste Chicken

In my bathroom at the moment, we have four empty toothpaste tubes. No, sorry, let me rephrase:

In my bathroom at the moment, we have four very very nearly empty toothpaste tubes.

They have been this way for weeks now, proving that Bill Bryson's insight...

"there's always a little more toothpaste left in the tube...think about it"

...actually had nothing at all to do with optimism or strength of character, but was indeed in fact the musings of a man who really likes to investigate such things. If you haven't yet read any of his books, shame on you - and I highly recommend them.



I could, I realise, simply pop along to one of the many retail establishments I pass daily and simply pick up another, full, tube. It's not like we're always arguing over whose turn it is to buy the toilet paper, or who took the rubbish out last. I could also save myself five minutes of intense squeezing and bruised fingertips and simply cut one of the tubes in half, helping myself to the goo within (but - and this is critical - dispelling the hidden delights of what lies inside).

However, I don't want to lose. If no-one else has had to resort to that yet, then I shouldn't have to either. After all, I live with a girl and a guy with pink hair - think of the shame if I gave in.

In other toothpaste related news (albeit from 1937):


_{Why the frown?}

You might also be interested in this method of creating a fibre-optic flashgun for a professional camera using an empty toothpaste tube - the Fring.

Another Copyright Dilemma

A great part of playing jazz is meeting up with strangers, semi-acquaintances, good friends - it doesn't really matter - and improvising for hours on end. Doing this with no particular direction, when you don't really know one-another's compositions won't produce the best results, and will get wearing after a short while.

So, we have lead sheets.

A lead sheet (pronounced 'leeeed' sheet, it's not a 'led' sheet you'd put on your roof) is just one page which gives the reader, at a glance, the 'theme' or melody of a particular piece, with the underlying chord changes. This differs from classical sheet music in that it's just a guide, a structure - rather than an explicit declaration of what is to be played. Here's an example:


_{Click to embiggen}

Now, the problem with lead sheets, as with guitar tabs and most music that's scribbled down and passed amongst friends is...copyright violation. I'm fairly sure that the person who jotted down the above didn't have a contract with Sonny Rollins, and that Mr. Rollins won't get a payment for every person you looks at it.

This normally doesn't bother me when it comes to grabbing the occasional sheet - but I recently decided to go and purchase The Real Book (6th Edition), a collection of 500 lead sheets.

However, upon reading many comments from people who had bought the above, I discovered something. This '6th edition' is, in fact, the first legitimate edition around. The previous 5 were just bootlegs that musicians would copy and share amongst friends. This edition's fully licensed and copyright-friendly...and rubbish.

Really, really rubbish.

_{It even has the same cover as all the old pirate editions. Wonder if the original designer gets paid royalties? I think not.}

So, what do I do? Do I take the '6th edition', which builds on 30 years of piracy to make a bit of profit, and satisfies the law..but will get me laughed out of any gig? Or do I go and get myself a copy of the seminal '5th edition', which nets no-one any money, but means I can play the music I love?

Should I really care that this new edition has royalties being paid to Miles Davis (died 1991), John Coltrane (died 1967), George Gershwin (died 1937) and Thelonious Monk (died 1982)? Should I get a copy of the 5th edition, and then send a token payment to the estates/record labels of all 250 or so artists represented therein?

Well, I think the tone of this post conveys my final decision. Contact me if you'd like a copy of the 5th edition.

Martin Amis

With a spate of his books rejoining my collection after holidays of varying lengths in other folks' houses, I've started re-reading some of my Martin Amis paperbacks. I love the writing - the thoughts it provokes, the images it conjures up and the truths it forces irrevocably into my head...but the chap does tend to be almost overly prosaic and literary in his writing from time to time. Take the following sentence I spent a few minutes reading just now:

"Sometimes, when the sky is as grey as this - impeccably grey, a denial, really, of the very concept of colour - and the stooped millions lift their heads, it's hard to tell the air from the impurities in our human eyes, as if the sinking climbing paisley curlicues of grit were part of the element itself, rain, spores, tears, film, dirt."

Aside from the happy relief I got from reading 'grey', as opposed to the horrible Americanised spelling of the 'color'; 'gray' - this sentence didn't exactly thrill me as I first read it (nor, as I pondered over it for the tenth time, oddly enough).

Having ascertained from a dictionary that a curlicue was a 'fancy, swirling pattern' and reminded myself quite what pattern was represented by 'paisley' (see below if it's irking you as much as it did me), I had one final stab at the sentence.


_Paisley

The image Mr. Amis was trying to produce simply wouldn't come however, and I'm having the write that one off and move on. It must be noted that this isn't a one-off, and that it really does help to have a solid grasp of either the English language, or a good dictionary if you want to get far with his writing. Being the kind hearted soul that I am, I've taken the more 'interesting' words from the last two pages I've read (turned out to be a relatively tame example), and listed them below:

• corralled


• primped


• omniscient


• boudoir


• premonitory


• braiding [No, not like that, 'To mingle (discrete elements, for example) as if by such interweaving']


• superannuation

I'll be disappointed if any of the above, with the possibly exception of that last one cause you any trouble.

Back to my reading..

Start A Band

I recently stumbled across a post by a friend and avid musician entitled, rather surprisingly (given the individual's participation in so many ensembles); 'Don't Start A Band'.

I won't link, as the post is only really half-formed and half-finished - but the upshot is that the author has been reading a lot of books about the music industry and become rather disillusioned with the way in which it operates. The chances of 'making it' are extremely low, the cut of the profits you'll get are appalling, the creative freedom limited...and many other lows.

Andrew Dubber, a prominent writer and lecturer in the field was the source of much of this discomfort, but it should be noted that his thoughts aren't all negative. I'd recommend reading some of his books if you're interested in the modern industry, or trying The Label if you're more interested in the industry as it was.



I, however, am of the opinion that none of this is relevant. Let me elaborate.

Music, and more importantly the creation of music is one of the very few pure things in my life. This writing? Well, I can't be too outrageous here - future employers may be reading after all. Coding? I'm constrained by a massive range of factors. And on, and on. But,

Music Is Pure

There's simply nothing than can contend with the joy of playing music with like-minded people. I won't even say friends, as that's by no means a prerequisite (but often a consequence). Simply note the faces, and body language of musicians playing for pleasure (jam nights and free gigs are the best places to find such specimens) - there's no other scenario in which they'd willingly abandon all pride and look quite so ridiculous, and it's simply because they're so into the music.

It can be an immediate outlet for the expression of any emotion, and one which provokes not generic sympathy or fake delight - but genuine empathy and understanding. Trying to cleanly play a technical piece/lesson offers the chance to noticeably improve skills and meet a challenge that humans so often seem to seek out - whether for self gratification or to impress others.

With all this, who needs a record deal? I actively look for unpaid gigs to play over paid ones, as there's no expectation - at an unpaid gig you have full freedom to play whatever you wish.

New Guitar!

You've won this eBay item: Left Handed Custom Jazz Bass (140223264158)



Wooooooop! :D Although, to be honest, I wasn't really expecting to lose the bid. I don't really think that the online market for fretless left handed custom jazz basses is exactly booming. ^{[citation needed]}.

..damn my ingrained Wikipedian habits. Well, here goes:

0.25% of people
I'm starting with a US figure as most eBay users are...American. Population of 300,000,000 ^[1], guitarists in the US: 750,000. ^[2]

0.025% of people
Approximately 10% of people worldwide are left-handed. ^[3]

0.0025% of people
Approximately 10% of those lefties that play guitar, play left-handed guitars. ^[4]

0.00225% of people
Whilst I don't have a reliable figure, I also know that a not insignificant percentage of left-handed guitar players merely buy right-handed guitars, and flip the string around. Examples include Jimi Hendrix and Paul McCartney. ^[5] I'm going to use 90% as a generous figure for left-handed people who play left-handed guitars.

0.0022500..01% of people
I'm presuming that few if any right-handed people play left-handed guitar, but I suppose we should accept it's a possibility, and some of these musical types are quite eccentric. No reference here, so disregard if you wish.

0.0000832500..01% of people
3.7% (20 of 539) of bass guitars on eBay today are fretless. ^[6]



0.0000099900..01% of people
12% of guitars on eBay are basses. See above.

0.000000199800.01% of people
No-one likes jazz, at all. I'm using 2% as my figure for simplicity of mathematics, and because I have another definite source for this. When I stood up at a meeting of the Aston Live Music Society in my second week of University, and asked if anyone else in the room wanted to play jazz, 98 other heads turned to avoid me and look into their drinks (one person put their hand up).

46 people
eBay has 233 million registered users ^[7]. Multiply that by my percentage and we end up with 46 people. That's 45 other people who might want to buy this guitar too, and I was fairly confident none of them would be looking for a new bass guitar today. I was right.

--

Anyhow, I digress. I have a gorgeous new guitar! More about that when it arrives.

If you got this far in the post, by the way, I recommend reading GeekSpeak: Why Life + Mathematics = Happiness, you'll love it.

It looks like you're having a heart attack...would you like some help?

The Times Online - Microsoft seeks patent for office 'spy' software

So, my beloved Microsoft have registered a patent for some software which can monitor you, as you use your PC. According to the patent application:

Wireless sensors could read “heart rate, galvanic skin response, EMG, brain signals, respiration rate, body temperature, movement facial movements, facial expressions and blood pressure”

Seems the era of Big Brother/Friend Computer is swiftly advancing. There'll be no more wasting time or having fun in the office. Any incidents of unhappiness will be immediatel reported to your manager. Only question now is whether you want to live in Airstrip One, Eurasia - or in Sector GBR, Alpha Complex.

In related news, I'm going to start running some Paranoia games, finally, after buying the GM's book years ago on a whim from a second hand bookstore. Yes, I'm aware that isn't the best website to learn what Paranoia is - but any other websites which tell you what the game is are above your clearance, citizen. If you're interested in joining in, drop me a line.

Two new favourites

So, Will recently lent me a bunch of books, in his infinite kindness. I've got to say, that two of them are amongst my favourite books of all time (and yes, I'm including the Guitar Hero manual there).

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon

A beautiful, funny and most importantly, believable tale of the lives of two young Jews in America, starting with World War II and moving on to the rest of their lives. Unlike many great books of this sort, which focus on the War and its consequences, this book manages to shift the focus over to escapism (of the literal, and metaphorical sorts) and comics, of all things, whilst retaining its very serious air. It's a wonderful story, with characters that'll become close to you than your own family, and superb prose.

We need to talk about Kevin by Lionel Shrivel

Written as a series of letters, from a wife to her estranged husband, the prose has an interesting and very seductive tone right from the start. The common failing of a book, where you feel you're standing on the outside looking in is thrown away, with every word sounding like it's directed straight at you. The story focuses on their interesting son, recently convicted of mass murder in a school shooting - I won't spoil any more than that but I highly, highly recommend you give it a read.

--

So, if you know someone who's into literature, then there's a couple of good Christmas ideas for you. I'm currently reading the hilariously tongue-in-cheek Black Mischief by Evelyn Waugh, which I got from a set of 10 books from The Book People for something like £10. Disgracefully cheap and superb quality, with great service. Go to it kids.

Dumbledore was gay

From The Observer:

Dumbledore was gay

Now, I've not actually read all of the books, and I've only seen a couple of the films, but I think that this story, combined with the disgusting innuendo in the first Harry Potter book, proves once and for all that J.K. Rowling's books shouldn't be sold to children.

Note that I'm not saying there's anything wrong with one of the characters being gay on its own, but, did it really have to be Harry's elderly mentor? What's next - Harry Potter and the Repressed Memories?

I can't wait to see how the American Christian Fundamentalist audience react to this...book burnings anyone?

Danger: Internet ahead

Despite the proliferation of books such as the fabulous Eats, Shoots and Leaves, the Grammar Police has yet to be recognized as an official governmental organisation.

<Sidetracking>Whilst checking my facts were true there, I came across some great websites - plug 'Grammar/Spelling Police' into the search engine of your choice and enjoy.</Sidetracking>

As such, it falls upon the common masses to stand up for proper usage of the language, and nowhere do they do so more vociferously or entertainingly as on the internet. The average online forum can be relied upon to have at least one 'grammar Nazi' who will stand firm against such disgusting phrases as "You're turn", and from this you'd think technologically minded people would know to mind their online 'manners', at least unless they're amongst close friends.

The Microsoft Social alias, as I've mentioned before, is a hive of many highbrow minds, where intellect and quick wit reign supreme. Something as potentially innocent as a male employee selling 'Red ladies boots' is pounced upon mercilessly, under normal circumstances, but not when there's even better fodder around. I refer you to this mail, sent there this morning:

Hello social,

Basically pretty sure sum1 has hacked into my hotmail/msn account I use at home, not at work.. as I cant log into my account, wiv the password ive bin using for years.. I also don’t seem to be able to get past the secret question bit... cos im an idiot..i think i gave bogus info wen i signed up...

If any1 knows a way I could sort this out...either sum1 who can get into my account wivout my pass and change the pass for me to get in..or know any1 internally I could communicate to sort this out..wud be much appreciated..Mite be a good challenge for ure techis if u wanna hack my account...and do good at the same time...

Now, content aside, there was no way something written this badly was going to escape being thoroughly ripped apart. In fact, in the time it took me to write my translation of it (below), the poor guy who sent the mail had received so many...replies, that he'd already had a go at re-writing it and apologising himself. As he managed to make a fair few mistakes in the re-write, I had no real qualms about posting the following translation:

Good morning ladies and gentlemen,

On this most calamitous of days, may I possibly impose upon your supreme wisdom and avail myself of your collective wisdom and experience? I find myself in rather a pickle, and unable to gain sufficient entry to my ‘hot mail’ box, with the disastrous consequences I’m sure you can imagine that entails.

It seems my secret handshake no longer cuts it – could it really be possible that some villainous scoundrel has bribed mine security to accept only the glove of another? Upon subscribing to the ‘hot mail’ service, I felt it prudent to avoid sharing too many legitimate details, and as such the ‘hot mail’ agency are unable to intervene here, so I call upon you fine people, with this request for aid.

If any of you have contacts in the depraved underworld known as the ‘inter net’ upon which my ‘hot mail’ box resides, who may surreptitiously gain entry, I endear you to introduce me. Alternatively, if somebody knows of a Prince of the ‘hot mail’ kingdom who may use their powers to my benefit, again I beg of you for their help.

Yours sincerely,
[his name]

Gardening

With so much going on at work it never quite occurred to me to plan anything for the weekends, so in order to avoid an entire weekend dedicated to the XBox and my guitars, I volunteered to help out Claire (a friend from work) with her belated summer gardening.

She's got a gorgeous country cottage, bizarelly located in some kind of vortex in the middle of Reading. The whole area is green and rustic, yet for miles around it in every direction there's the usual urban sprawl one would expect - very confusing. Claire herself lives in a thatch-roofed placed amongst what used to be an orchard, so there's a lot of great apple trees around.

I was charged with hedge trimming, and much though I appreciated an excuse to get out and about, and have some real exercise, things didn't exactly go swimmingly. Cutting through the wire of the first pair of electric hedge-clippers fortunately didn't result in any form of electrocution, but still wasn't exactly ideal. "You realise they're [the cables] painted bright orange for a reason" says Claire - which would be a fair point if the rest of the thing wasn't also bright orange ;)

It wasn't until about an hour into causing bits of tree to rain down upon me that I realised I was allergic to something within that particular plant - a bit of a downer as I was covered in it. The rash has mostly gone away now at least, though I am still finding bits of tree dotted around the house...

Anyhow, back to reading The amazing adventures of Kavalier & Clay (great), playing Crackdown (great) and learning these 12 songs for a band practise on Monday with some guys I found through someone at work - more on that Tuesday morning I imagine.

Xx

Books

I keep meaning to write a little review when I finish a book, but I don't often seem to get around to it. As such, decided to just give you a little overview of a bunch of ones I've read recently at once, inspired by Smigs doing the same.

Jeremy Clarkson - The World According To Clarkson Volume 2 - ...and another thing.
The second set of columns written by Clarkson for the Sunday Times.
..what? That's not enough of an incentive to go buy it? A collection of hilarious stories, brilliant ideas and mild, yet amusing racism (mostly directed at France, though the Germans and Americans get a look-in too). Easy to pick up and put down whenever you feel like, can't recommend it enough. Unless of course, you don't like Jeremy Clarkson..

Michael Crichton - Prey
A slightly fantastical thriller from the man who brought velociraptors so, so close to our hearts. A slightly different take on the Rise Of The Machines, this one focuses on the danger caused when distributed networking goes awry, and a set of microscopic robots develop a fascinating hive mentality. A good solid thriller, and an interesting look at the subject, but nothing too spectacular or substantial.

Martin Amis - Yellow Dog
Yet another masterpiece from the man who I'm tempted to name as my favourite author of all time (though Hemingway still, for now, holds that spot). I'd love to be proven wrong, but as far as I'm aware, Amis is the only author currently writing what can be termed Literature, and he does it beautifully. Every paragraph is a delight to read, witty and intelligent language is almost casually thrown about on every page. The story itself would make a decent read with the most basic of writing, but the look Amis takes at moral values really makes you think, and the dark undercurrent of cynicism throughout is truly compelling. Not to be treated like pop music, and read casually with distractions about, this book should be enjoyed on its own, with nothing else, every page read twice.

Bye bye =(

Lu's been here for the weekend, which was ace - haven't seen her in ages. Might go down to Bath in two weeks time, but if not then Easter's coming up - and I just found out that it's three weeks off (I'd assumed it would only be one, I'm getting too used to the real world).

We stayed in Friday night, I cooked one of my grandmother's recipes for her, we watched a film, just a fun night in really :) Employee Of The Month, by the way, isn't the best of films - I couldn't quite work out whether the overall concept was meant to be the joke, or whether they'd tried to base their jokes on a real concept. Either way it failed :P

Saturday we lazed around in bed for half the morning, had some breakfast and went off to town. Shopped for a few hours, before buying a single gift for one of her housemates - got to love girls. Also bought a bunch of new books for her too, half of which I've stolen. Got her;

Martin Amis - Yellow Dog
Raymond E. Feist - A Darkness at Sethanon
Raymond E. Feist - Silverthorn (I'm sure that's a weapon in Oblivion)
Martin Amis - The Information
Matthew Pearl - The Poe Shadow
Jean-Claude Carriere - Please, Mr. Einstein

Afterwards we went to Wagamama - a Japanese restaurant in the heart of Birmingham that was absolutely amazing. I had chicken ramen - and the size of the portion was impressive enough on its own. The soup was brilliant, the noodles gorgeous and of course, the chicken and the extras were wonderfully done. Came home and made some chocolate muffins then (which were a bit oddly shaped, given that we had no muffin tin), then made some strawberry smoothies and went up to play Broken Sword II. Danced to the Supremes before going to bed, because they're Kickass.

Today I cooked again, because I'm ace, and then we just spent the day together :) Gonna miss her now.

Xx

Espedair Street

Another great book by Iain Banks, this one is a bit less apocalyptic than usual, but no less dark or gritty for it. The novel is the biopic of a fictional famous rock star, from the era of Bowie and Rod Stewart. Set after the collapse of his band, but told mostly through flashbacks, we get a harsh and thoroughly realistic experience through the eyes of (but of course) a highly unusual man. An enthralling book, that blends in Banks' more traditional views on ethics and morals with his flair for good old fashioned adventure. Also, I'm not sure about the title, it looks like it should be an anagram for 'Despair Street' (think Desperation Row), but what's that extra e for eh?

We join armies, we enter monasteries or nunneries, we adopt the party line, we believe what we read in ancient books or shit newspapers or what we're told by plastic politicians, and all we're ever trying to do is give somebody else the responsibility for thinking.

A Song Of Stone

Just finished reading A Song Of Stone by Iain Banks, and I don't mind admitting it took me a while to get through it. On a very basic level, you can't just skim through the book, absorbing the main points of the story, because it's not that sort of book. It's a fiercely poetic novel, with extravagant monologues and descriptive passages that almost flow like free-form poetry or sonnets.

Banks really utilises the full extensity of the English language here - I had to pop to the dictionary four or five times during the reading for words I'd never heard before even! Anthropopathism (the assignation of human emotional characteristics to a non-human subject) and Solipsism (a metaphysical belief that the universe is entirely the creation of one's own min) were among the more exotic words used.

Quote from a reviewer on Amazon:

I imagine it as the literary equivalent to having been raped.

The story itself is the nihilistic, violent and depraved tale of a post-apocalyptic world, told via an elegant mixture of the first and second person perspectives. The central figures are a guerilla lieutenant, an ananchronic castle and our protagonist and narrator, the thoroughly odious nobleman, shunned by society for his depravity and completely detached from the common man by his philosophy. Banks' real masterpiece here is to conjure up sympathy for this man whilst constantly showing us his sick and twisted view of the world, through his thoughts and actions.

This story isn't light reading, in either sense of the phrase, but I do highly recommend it if you want something to really sink your brain into. I'll certainly be re-reading it in a year or so.