Living like a student

Having thrown away twelve Microsoft branded pieces of clothing today, I'm pretty close to resuming a proper student lifestyle after a year's work. For those in a similar situation, here's a few tips:

• Don't go to sleep before 2am. Never wake up before 10am.


• If you accidentally wake early, on no account leave the bed. Not even to pee.


• If you don't wake up with a hangover, you're still drunk. Whatever you do, don't try to walk anywhere for a few hours.


• Tea must be consumed at least 5 times a day. Don't bother washing the mug inbetween brews.


• Spend no more than 3 seconds planning what clothes you'll wear. Aim to have either your thighs or nipples covered.


• It's always perfectly acceptable to wear sandals, wherever you're going.


• Plan the time of your shower carefully, it's the only thing you'll have to do all day, other than play XBox and watch Jeremy Kyle.


• The words 'in a minute' immediately absolve you of all responsibility for any household task.


• The words 'in a minute' immediately absolve me of all responsibility for any household task. Go do the dishes, it's your turn.


• Supermarket shopping should take at least three hours. Check every brand of every item - aim for exactly 100% of your RDA of a random mineral each day.


• Experiment. See which computer game you do best at by making the cat walk over the controllers. Mix all the out of date foods with one another.


• Opening your window counts as getting enough fresh air for the day. Rock Band counts as exercise.

Hope this helps, I'm off to throw away more junk that I've accumulated over the past year. I'm letting myself keep one pointless item per three I throw away. Sort of. Unless they're cool. All my stuff is cool.