Royal Mail artificial 'intelligence' has a way to go

Out there in the world of cool companies and technology there's a lot of fun pseudo-AI bots that can be played with, nominally in the interests of 'customer service', but in reality, often just to try and make them talk dirty.

A prime example of this being implemented well is 'Ask Anna' on IKEA's homepage (bottom left), in which a nubile young blonde will discuss sci-fi and the weather, if you so desire. She does have an unhealthy obsession with trying to sell you IKEA products too, but - with looks like that, you can't complain about one little foible.


_{Ah, Anna. How I love to see you smile and flutter your eyelashes at me}

A prime example of this being implemented badly is 'Ask Sarah' on the Royal Mail homepage (top middle), in which a menopausal make-up counter assistant will discuss how little she knows with you. I'm fairly sure she's not actually a 'chat bot' in any meaningful sense of the word, and is instead just a little search engine.


_{I don't know where your parcel is...but we have 2 for 1 on all Pantene products today!}

Even more frustrating that Sarah though, is the automated phone based 'Track & Trace' service offered by Royal Mail, which lets you discover precisely what's happening with your Special Delivery parcel...supposedly. Again, the actual state of affairs differs somewhat - here's a short snippet of my conversation with the automated girl (who was made to sound as much like a real person as possible):

Hi
Hello, would you please read out your tracking number for me
Su...
..she interrupts, and I realise it's not a real person
Please read out just the numbers and letters, and nothing else. For example, read out 'GZ1234..and so on'.
GJ2247423GB
Let me just confirm that, did you say GZ2247423GB?
No
Sorry, I didn't understand that, please say either 'Yes', or 'No'.
No
Sorry, I didn't understand that, please say either 'Yes', or 'No'.
No
Sorry, I didn't understand that, please say either 'Yes', or 'No'.
No
Hello, would you please read out your tracking number for me. Please read out just the numbers and letters, and nothing else. For example, read out 'GZ1234..and so on'.
GJ2247423GB
Let me just confirm that, did you say GZ2247423GB?
No
Sorry, I didn't understand that, please say either 'Yes', or 'No'.
No
Sorry, I didn't understand that, please say either 'Yes', or 'No'.
No
Sorry, I didn't understand that, please say either 'Yes', or 'No'.
No
Hello, would you please read out your tracking number for me. Please read out just the numbers and letters, and nothing else. For example, read out 'GZ1234..and so on'.
GJ2247423GB
Let me just confirm that, did you say GZ2247423GB?
No
Sorry, I didn't understand that, please say either 'Yes', or 'No'.
No
Sorry, I didn't understand that, please say either 'Yes', or 'No'.
No
Sorry, I didn't understand that, please say either 'Yes', or 'No'.
No

..it went on much longer than I can be bothered holding Ctrl+V for.

You'll be glad to know that this kind of automated speech does have a future though, I recently took part in regional testing (putting on my best Welshy accent) for another, as yet unreleased service, which was absolutely superb, even in this early testing phase. It was for a company who are more known for their technological innovation though, rather than a company known for going on strike and losing things.

--

I should also probably add, to Royal Mail's credit, after fifteen minutes, I eventually tricked the automated phone girl into transferring me to a real person, who answered everything quickly and efficiently in all of about 10 seconds.

Unfortunately though, for now it's:

Humans 1 - 0 Technology :(

Next round: Laser deathmatch.

--

Also also, I still don't have my copy of GTA IV. Which is lucky, because if I'd been influenced by its violent tendencies, I'd probably vent my frustration at not having it by shotgunning some prostitutes.