Pound for pound

Went shopping with Julie-oh yesterday - ostensibly for shoes (as though that somehow makes it less girly...), though we ended up just wandering through a bunch of places buying shiny things.

Can't tell you guys everything we got I'm afraid, though here's my pretty new khaftan, and I got some nice new sandals too, which should last me through the summer, even if I wear them every day as with last year's pair.



As we looked around the various shops, trying to find clothes that were gorgeous and small enough to fit our slender and shapely figures we ended up discussing, as I'm sure certain among you have before, the unfairness of clothes pricing. We both wear about a size 8 (unless, by some magical happenstance, I'm shopping in the 'men's' section of a shop) and were looking at a lovely top of the right size, priced at £20. Directly behind this lovely, £20 size 8 top was an identical £20, size 20 top.

This epic, vast sheet of fabric, containing enough material to clothe a small elephant, was being sold at the same price as the delicate piece I had in my hands. I know that some of the cost is in getting a designer and a pattern, but once that one off cost's been had, surely the fact that in order to make a larger size you need:

• More material


• More man hours/machine time


• More shipping space


• More warehousing space


• More shop floor space and last but not least


• Bigger aisles in the shop, and stronger floorboards to accommodate these women

..should result in an increased price for them and a lowered price for me.

I'm sure there'd be an outcry if any store tried to implement this though, with fat women everywhere crying that they were being picked on yet again. There's also the business issue to consider; Given the large proportion of income a size 20 woman needs to devote to her food bill, the raised price of larger clothes would surely render her unable to buy from anywhere but Primark, and George at Asda (where the sizes seem to start at 16 and end at 18, on the majority of ranges, bastards).

As such, I've come up with a solution that means no store needs to take that initial risk and be in danger of losing custom - communism. Now I'm not normally a fan of communism, as you may be aware. In fact, it ranks right up there with 'being French' in my famous List of things I'll stab you for (now available in paperback for only £4.99). However, I feel that a new, communist based scheme, would help to even out the unfairness proliferate throughout the retail world - after all, it's not just clothes, buying food in bulk is cheaper too.

Pound For Pound
Every tax year, in April, each over 18 in the country is to be weighed. For every pound of weight on their naked body, they are taxed an extra pound sterling on top of their regular tax. No benefits or special circumstances will be taken into account. Once this sum has been collected from every adult in the country, the total is then split evenly between everyone who contributed. Under this system, I would expect to pay around £125 each year, and to receive approximately £220 (based on arbitrary figures I pulled out of my left nostril). As that's clearly not enough to make up the difference, I've also decided to start mugging people who are too large to be able to chase me for more than a minute at a time.