Supanet Customer Care

Dear Sir,

We are writing in response to the note you sent us entitled 'Die in hell you incompetent bastards' on 13/2/07. We apologise for the delay in responding, but here at Supanet we pride ourselves on only employing retarded chimpanzees to deal with any important customer-related business.

We regret to inform you that before we can comply with your request to smother our genitalia in napalm, a £50 napalm surcharge will be added to your account. Upon payment of this surcharge, we shall credit the appropriate amount to someone else's account, and ask you for the money again. At this point, please call our call centre, handily located in one the less populated regions of the Congo - we're not sure which, our departments don't actually speak to one another.

You asked us; "Why does my connection cut out every couple of hours and stay down for a seemingly random amount of time". In order to respond to your query we will need some additional information from yourself. Firstly, what is this 'internet' of which you speak? Secondly, what size shoe do you wear on your left foot?¹

You have mentioned that you expect better from an ISP. It took us a while to work out what ISP actually meant², and as such you have incurred a £75 experts fee. If you do not pay this fee by March 2007, a further £50 fee will be incurred. If you do not pay the further £50 fee by February 2007 we will shut down your internet service³.

We thank you for your time, and hope to hear from your soon.
Yours,
Supanet.

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If you wish to respond to this letter, please either:
* Mail us at the above address⁴
* Call us at on the usual number⁵. Calls cost 2p per minute from any UK land line.⁶
* Email us using our online support feature.^{7, 8}
* Throw another brick through our windows with a note attached.



1. Note: This is Not want your shoe size.
2. ISP stands for Internet Service Provider, according to Wikipedia.
3. Without noting this on your account, so when you call us up, we'll have no idea what's going on.
4. So we can pretend we never got your letter.
5. The usual number actually won't work, so use an obscure phone number to be found behind the skirting boards of a house in Shropshire.
6. Typographical error. Calls actually cost £2 per minute.
7. Which will only work in Internet Explorer 3.1.1
8. Please note that the online response will bear no relation to your original question, and will be made up of standardised sentences as our support staff are incapable of typing or thinking.