Danger: Internet ahead

Despite the proliferation of books such as the fabulous Eats, Shoots and Leaves, the Grammar Police has yet to be recognized as an official governmental organisation.

<Sidetracking>Whilst checking my facts were true there, I came across some great websites - plug 'Grammar/Spelling Police' into the search engine of your choice and enjoy.</Sidetracking>

As such, it falls upon the common masses to stand up for proper usage of the language, and nowhere do they do so more vociferously or entertainingly as on the internet. The average online forum can be relied upon to have at least one 'grammar Nazi' who will stand firm against such disgusting phrases as "You're turn", and from this you'd think technologically minded people would know to mind their online 'manners', at least unless they're amongst close friends.

The Microsoft Social alias, as I've mentioned before, is a hive of many highbrow minds, where intellect and quick wit reign supreme. Something as potentially innocent as a male employee selling 'Red ladies boots' is pounced upon mercilessly, under normal circumstances, but not when there's even better fodder around. I refer you to this mail, sent there this morning:

Hello social,

Basically pretty sure sum1 has hacked into my hotmail/msn account I use at home, not at work.. as I cant log into my account, wiv the password ive bin using for years.. I also don’t seem to be able to get past the secret question bit... cos im an idiot..i think i gave bogus info wen i signed up...

If any1 knows a way I could sort this out...either sum1 who can get into my account wivout my pass and change the pass for me to get in..or know any1 internally I could communicate to sort this out..wud be much appreciated..Mite be a good challenge for ure techis if u wanna hack my account...and do good at the same time...

Now, content aside, there was no way something written this badly was going to escape being thoroughly ripped apart. In fact, in the time it took me to write my translation of it (below), the poor guy who sent the mail had received so many...replies, that he'd already had a go at re-writing it and apologising himself. As he managed to make a fair few mistakes in the re-write, I had no real qualms about posting the following translation:

Good morning ladies and gentlemen,

On this most calamitous of days, may I possibly impose upon your supreme wisdom and avail myself of your collective wisdom and experience? I find myself in rather a pickle, and unable to gain sufficient entry to my ‘hot mail’ box, with the disastrous consequences I’m sure you can imagine that entails.

It seems my secret handshake no longer cuts it – could it really be possible that some villainous scoundrel has bribed mine security to accept only the glove of another? Upon subscribing to the ‘hot mail’ service, I felt it prudent to avoid sharing too many legitimate details, and as such the ‘hot mail’ agency are unable to intervene here, so I call upon you fine people, with this request for aid.

If any of you have contacts in the depraved underworld known as the ‘inter net’ upon which my ‘hot mail’ box resides, who may surreptitiously gain entry, I endear you to introduce me. Alternatively, if somebody knows of a Prince of the ‘hot mail’ kingdom who may use their powers to my benefit, again I beg of you for their help.

Yours sincerely,
[his name]